TOKYO - "I was stabbed in the chest with cooking chopsticks." That’s how A, a man in his 40s living in Shikoku, describes the abuse he endured from his ex-wife about 15 years ago. "Things like that happened all the time. It felt like hell," he recalls.
At the time, A believed that if he just worked harder as a husband, the marriage would succeed. "If I did my best as a man, surely things would improve," he thought, living each day with that hope. Yet the violence never stopped. Even when he filed for divorce mediation, the court interpreted it as just an extension of marital discord. His claims of domestic violence were not taken seriously.
"People think, ‘Do men really get hit? Do they really get verbally abused like that?’ It’s hard to be believed," A says.
Today, the number of men reporting abuse from spouses or partners is on the rise. A recent survey found around 28,000 such cases—an astonishing 134-fold increase from 18 years ago.
Public awareness, however, remains low. On the street, one person said, "Women are becoming stronger—maybe too strong—and men weaker." Another commented, "When women are abusive, it seems more like selfishness." While perceptions vary, few recognize male domestic violence as a serious social issue.
But the reality is shifting. Last year, men accounted for nearly 30% of all DV consultations nationwide.
A, who endured nearly three years of abuse, says the violence began suddenly after marriage. "I had set the rice cooker, and when she got up and found no rice ready, I said, ‘Sorry, I’ll make it now.’ But she lost it—that was the first time she hit me," he said.
Despite working a full-time job, A also handled all household chores. The abuse escalated. "One day she said she wanted fish, so I made it the usual way. But she threw it aside and shouted, ‘Why can’t you make it the way I like it?’ Then she hit my arm with a cooking chopstick," he said, showing the mark that remains.
He faced threats with kitchen knives, had objects thrown at him, and even feared for his life. Yet, what hurt the most was an emotional blow: a cherished wristwatch. "My father worked hard and bought me that watch after I graduated. I wore it every day," he said. But his wife told him, "You don’t deserve a nice watch like that." She smashed it with a hammer.
Still, A didn’t see himself as a victim. "When she got angry, I always thought it was my fault. I was constantly blaming myself," he said. His physical and mental health deteriorated, and his weight dropped below 50 kilograms.
The turning point came when a female colleague confided in him about abuse from her husband. Then she asked, "Are you sure you're not also being abused?" It was the first time A recognized his situation as domestic violence. He filed for divorce, and after two and a half years, the court finally recognized the abuse and granted the divorce.
A private support group in Tokushima City for male DV victims says cries for help are coming from across Japan. "He didn’t hit me, but he grabbed my hair and slammed my head to the floor. I was under constant psychological pressure from morning to night and even considered suicide several times," one man said.
The organization urges immediate evacuation for urgent cases, but shelters that accept men are often full. The group has supported about 40 male victims so far and is now organizing peer-led programs.
Some survivors still question their decisions. "I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing, or if I destroyed my family," said one.
So why are male DV cases still so hidden despite the rise in victims? Experts say it starts early. "From a young age, boys are told to ‘tough it out,’ ‘don’t cry,’ ‘be strong,’" said one counselor. These gender expectations make it hard for men to recognize abuse or ask for help.
The support group has launched a new course this month to train survivors to support others. "We need more people who can stand by isolated victims," they said. "Even just telling someone, ‘If it’s hard to go alone, I’ll go with you,’ can mean everything."
Both men and women can suffer from domestic violence, but resources remain scarce, especially for male victims. Many feel the barrier to seeking help is higher for men. A simple image search for "DV victim" shows overwhelmingly female figures, revealing the unconscious bias that makes male victims even more invisible.
Experts stress that stereotypes around gender roles bury the issue even deeper. "When society treats DV as someone else’s problem, it makes it harder for victims to reach out," one said.
Moreover, male victims may hesitate to talk to male counselors, and many support centers lack male staff or specialized services. Compared to other countries, Japan also lags in implementing offender reform programs, leaving many at risk of repeat victimization.
"Ultimately, we need to eliminate gender stereotypes and create an environment where people can speak up, and where DV can come into the open," said one advocate.
Source: TBS
